Abandoned No More: A Journey of Self-Awareness
At 46 years old, I had a shocking revelation. Not only had I NOT fully healed from my childhood abandonment issues, but I had built-in defense mechanisms that would not allow me to feel the sense of abandonment again!
While that last part sounds super bad*ss, it has its downfalls; superficial relationships, insecurities, emotional isolation, anxiety, and control issues to name a few.
Sounds peachy huh? These coping mechanisms, while keeping me “safe”, also kept me from feeling and experiencing life to its fullest.
“While that last part sounds super bad*ss, it has its downfalls; superficial relationships, insecurities, emotional isolation, anxiety, and control issues to name a few.”
To most of the world, I appeared to be a fun-loving, transparent gal that could roll with the punches. But what I have found through self-reflection and time with God is that I had taken the little girl, broken and abandoned, and tucked her away deep into the crevices of my innermost being. Guarded by a titanium-strength persona, equipped with humor, sarcasm, and evasion techniques that would keep the world at bay so she would no longer be hurt. That is until just a few short weeks ago…
All was well in my world, until a discussion I had on a recent episode of The Sinner and The Saint Podcast with my co-host Allison. We were discussing which truth of God we have the hardest time accepting for ourselves when Allison, suggested that I most likely had a hard time with “God will never leave you nor forsake you.” Sure, I’ll take that one…it makes sense with my history, and a great conversation ensued. We finished up and went about business as usual.
Truthfully, I hadn’t thought much about the conversation since we recorded it, but God has a way of getting our attention when He wants it!
Fast-forward 2 weeks later, when a lyric grabs my attention and drags the podcast conversation to my attention. “I am yours, and You are mine”, I paused the music and began to weep. It was at that very moment that I realized that I have never truly experienced this type of love; a love that doesn’t ever tire of you, think you’re too much, or just up and walk away. A love that will “never leave you nor forsake you”.
In the beginning, my people failed me; mostly because of their own unchecked baggage. But by my late teens, I unknowingly chose to not be fully seen or loved. If I never allowed all of me to be seen and loved, then all of me would never be hurt again.
Don’t get me wrong, some people have tried (My husband is a saint!); I just don’t know HOW to engage with people in this capacity. I can adapt to most situations, and I have learned to love and be loved the best I know-how. But I know there is so much more that I am missing out on.
I’m standing at a crossroads; do I continue to live as I always have? It sure would be easier.
Or do I dare to venture into the unknown places of my heart and soul? It is daunting and terrifying, to say the least.
Challenge accepted.
The journey has just begun and there are miles of unchartered territory ahead, but our God is faithful; and if I allow Him, He will be with me every step of the way.