Michelle's Story: Searching for Peace Amid the Destruction

My story....those two words seem to spark an odd feeling in me. I struggle with my story daily. I grew up one of 4 children in an abusive home. I don't say abusive lightly, it was mental and physical and it was scary. But no one ever saw that.

We were dedicated church goers, christians, who spent most of our time at church or with our church family. I truly felt I had this amazing relationship with the Lord because that was my anchor. When I was 16 my mom got up and left one day and did not tell us until the next day that she was not returning. It threw my dad into a downward spiral and my sister and I were the targets for his rage (my brothers had already moved out).

I reached out to my church family for shelter and support and instead felt like an outcast. I tried to let people know that we weren't the family they thought. My father would wake us up in the middle of the night cursing at us, threatening to kill us and eventually kicking us out 3 times. The third time, I took my sister, found an apt in a horrible neighborhood and got a job and took care of her. All of this happening, and no one would reach out to us.

This community that I had spent so much time with and thought of as a family had abandoned us, just as my biological family had done. I am now a 39 year old mother of 3 and I still have a relationship with the Lord... is it like I wish it were? NO, but I struggle with opening myself up again to a church family or even people in general in fear if they see my true self, the damaged person, they will do the same to me now as they did then.

I have struggled with this feeling of acceptance and abandonment my entire life. I have always wanted to share my "story" in the hopes that someone will say, "I get it", "I understand" but the fear of sharing has always taken over. This feels like a ramble, like I should hit delete and move on...I don't know you that well.

I don't know why I am even typing this. I am sure some people will say "You are 39, get over it!" Sometimes I want to tell myself that....I wish it were that easy. My story isn't this amazingly uplifting story of someone who overcame....my story is of someone who struggles daily and hopes that one day I will find a way to have peace within myself.